Thursday, March 22, 2007

What next?

So, I was watching Top Design last night, and they ran a promo for their new competitive reality show--"Shear Genius." 12 ambitious hair-stylists competing, blah, blah, blah. Does the ousted contestant each week hear "Please pack your scissors and go?" In the interest of full disclosure, I no doubt will watch this show, since I have apparently become Bravo's little Wednesday night bitch, happily watching whatever Project Runway knock-off they choose to show me. Project Runway with its "Auf Wiedersehn," Top Chef with its "Please pack your knives and go," Top Design with the cheerful "See you later, decorator"--I've watched them all.

But I'm beginning to wonder where this all will end. I foresee for myself an endless future of Wednesday nights, sitting on the couch watching the latest competition dreamed up in the Bravo programming department.

"And now, an all-new Top Lawyer. Watch 12 ambitious attorneys compete for the top prize! Tonight's competition involves suing a large appliance corporation on behalf of your client, who didn't realize stove burners are hot. Each contestant will be given $10,000 for expert witnesses ("There is no way the average person would know that stove burners, capable of cooking food at a high temperature, shouldn't be touched. It is unconscionable that this corporation did not include a warning label on each and every burner."), and will have the assistance of a paralegal, assigned to you at random. I'm your host, Star Jones-Reynolds (I am a LAWyer). Please welcome our regular judges: Judge Wapner, Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, and our special guest judge: that blubbering idiot from the Anna Nicole Smith 'get her in the ground please, she's decaying' hearing. Let the competition begin." And later in the program: "You made good visual use of your client's scarred palm, we really liked that pie chart in your Powerpoint presentation, but unfortunately, your client is still poor (and stupid), so...see you later, litigator!"

Following closely on its heels: Top Doc. (Alternate title: Project O.R.) 12 ambitious surgeons competing blah, blah, blah. Your host: Sanjay Gupta. Your judges: the doctors of "House," "ER," "Grey's Anatomy" and "Scrubs." (Yes, we know they're not "real" surgeons, but they're so pretty.) "Tonight, each contestant will attempt a radical new brain transplant procedure. You will each be given $10,000 for surgical supplies, and the services of a scrub nurse, assigned to you at random. Let the operations begin!" And, of course, later: "We thought you displayed an appropriate amount of cockiness, you really seem to be developing your god complex, and your choice of O.R. music was funkalicious! But, unfortunately, your patient died, so...see you later, operator!"

The possibilities are endless: Top Teacher--"see you later, educator!" Project Law--"see you later, adjudicator!" Project Wait Staff--"see you later, lousy waiter!" Top Prom Star*--"see you later, masturbator!" Project Pest Control--"see you later, exterminator!" Project Vulcanology--"see you later, loves-a-crater!" Top Archeologist--"see you later, carbon dater!" Project Greek Mythology--"see you later, impish satyr!" Top Merchant Marine--"see you later on the freighter!" (Okay, okay, enough already! But I was just getting ready to go for "Seder" and "Darth Vader." Quite possibly "tater" or "termater." And you'll notice I refrained from a Crocodile Hunter-style "see you later, alligator.")

I personally can't wait for Project Drive-Thru. 12 ambi--okay, maybe not, let's just say 12 polyester-clad fast food employees compete for the top prize. Their challenge? Take the drive-thru order accurately the first time, provide the customer with EXACTLY what he/she ordered, remember to include napkins, salt and appropriate condiments WITHOUT being asked, top it off with a cheery "have a nice day" or "thank you" and DON'T slam the window in their faces. The tagline? Delivered over the drive-thru speaker, of course: "garble garble later, squawk squawk static." I'm sorry, could you repeat that? ""GARBLE GARBLE LATER, SQUAWK SQUAWK STATIC!" I'm sorry, one more time, please? "GARBLE GARBLE--" You know what? Never mind, I'll just drive myself off.

Now wouldn't that be compelling television?

*Metalia's lovely term for "adult movie performer"


stefanie said...

Since I keep forgetting I even have cable (with the exception of my regular forays over to Comedy Central), I have never seen Top Design. Do they really say "See you later, decorator"??? That's hilarious.

chickadee said...

You are too funny, Miz Gwiz. :)

Edge said...

It all ends with "Running Man"


metalia said...

I'm ashamed to say that I would TOTALLY watch Top Lawyer.

Mary said...

You, my friend, are a fuckin' genius. Seriously.

Oh, how I envy you and your Top Design marathons! Did you know that my cable provider in NC does not carry Bravo?! Pure toture! I had to watch the last season of Project Runway on freakin' iTunes. Nothing pisses me quite like having to pay extra to watch Vincent get "turned on". [retch]

Noelle said...

Hi-larious! I'd watch "Top Bully" - see you later instigator!

lizgwiz said...

stef, they really do. You should watch the last two minutes some time just to see Jonathan Adler say it with this insincere expression of sympathy on his face--it's hilarious.

chick, aww, thanks!

edge, well, of course.

metalia, I wouldn't be at all surprised to see that one turn up on Bravo. And I'd watch it, too. Sigh.

mary, no Bravo? That sucks. How do you live?!

noelle, ooh, good one!

-R- said...

I watched the other night for the first time. HOW COULD YOU NOT MENTION THE CRAZY LADY JUDGE? Yes, see you later, decorator was very weird - and I love your ideas for future spinoffs. But you did not mention the lady with humongous crimped hair and the 18th century peasant shirt. OH MY GOD. Is she on every week?

lizgwiz said...

-r-, you'll have to be sure to watch when they do one of their little mini-marathons--Kelly Wearstler's clothing and hair-styling choices are always...are always...well, there's no word!

don't call me MA'AM said...

My husband refuses to let me watch that show... not that we get that much TV in lately anyway.

To be honest, I think it's because I got him hooked on Project Runway, and he's afraid his manliness would further suffer if he got hooked on Top Design. ;-)

lizgwiz said...

dcmm, do you think he'll let you watch "Shear Genius"? I can't even begin to imagine the amounts of drama we'll get! And omigod, I just found out the host is Jaclyn Smith. Does he have an old Charlie's Angels crush he'd like to indulge a bit? ;)