Friday, March 30, 2007

And the hits keep coming.

The search engine hits, of course. What would we do without fun google searches to create a blog post out of otherwise thin air? Hee.

Here are some of the latest and greatest:

"where to get vivarin"

Any drug or grocery store, I would think. Are you thinking that "Vivarin" is some mysterious and illicit controlled substance? Sorry to disappoint. It's caffeine, basically, isn't it? In concentrated pill form?

"what do kids need to know to go to kindergarten"

You got me. In my day, before the onset of designer preschools, all you really needed to know was...well, nothing, really. I had a pretty good grasp of reading already, but some kids learned it all there, I'm sure. How 'bout you know how to take yourself to the potty. And how to share. And not to pick your nose in public. That's a good start. Your teacher can take it from there.

"how to say dirigible"

Well, I'm sitting here saying it over and over, but I'm pretty sure you're not hearing it. How 'bout you take yourself over to They'll pronounce it for you and tell you what it means, if you're unclear.

"stole my purse"

Is that rat bastard still out there 20 years later? Damn him!

"Amy Sedaris IBS"

I'm not sure what caused you to link those two things? Is Amy an IBS sufferer? How did I not know that? I thought I knew EVERYthing about her. (Yes, I'm a little kooky on the subject of the Sedaris family, in general. I want to go one of their family reunions. Are you reading this, Amy or David? Call me!)

"do you get drunk quicker if you take muscle relaxers"

Well, you certainly get something faster if you do that, but if you're not really careful, it could well be "dead." Just say no!

"throbbing manhood"

Hee. I knew that search would come some day.

"leap of(sic) couch racing blowing shit"

Oh, my! I'm not sure exactly what you're into, but I can pretty much assure you it won't be found here. Yikes.

"I'm dreaming of a brown Christmas"

Already, dreaming of Christmas? You've got a long wait, my friend, no matter what color it is.

"brown stains on sides of house caused by bugs"

My sympathies. Not sure what you want me to do about it, though. Did you want me to come over and wash the stains off? 'Cause if you live near enough to me, I might do that...for a significant amount of money, of course. Or did you want me to kill the bugs? 'Cause I'm not so much into the killing. You'll have to do that yourself, if that's the case. My motto is "live and let live" whenever possible. Are the bugs really hurting you? Really? Give it some thought, and let me know if you're ready to pony up some serious scratch for stain removal. (And I mean SERIOUS. I'd like to buy a new car. Hee.)

"long qt syndrome famous people who had this disease"

Okay, I must confess that my near-encyclopedic knowledge of obscure diseases has let me down. I'm off to google "long qt syndrome" myself. Be right back. Okay, Wikipedia says: "The long QT syndrome (LQTS) is a heart disease in which there is an abnormally long delay between the electrical excitation (or depolarization) and relaxation (repolarization) of the ventricles of the heart. It is associated with syncope (fainting) and with sudden death due to ventricular arrhythmias. Arrhythmias in individuals with LQTS are often associated with exercise or excitement. The cause of sudden cardiac death in individuals with LQTS is ventricular fibrillation." No mention of famous people who had it. Sorry. I might start using that as my reason for avoiding exercise, though. "I'm not lazy--I just don't want to excite my Long QT."

"mom sat on top of him"

Uh...okay. Is she a big woman? I he okay? Depending on who/what "he" is, that sounds like it could be uncomfortable, or even dangerous. You should assess the situation a little more carefully. I mean...are you googling while "he" is sitting underneath "mom" unable to breathe? Maybe 911 would be a more efficient solution to your problem. Oh, wait...maybe you walked in on something you shouldn't have. When "mom" "sat" on top of "him," were they naked? Was there moaning and/or screaming involved? Look away. Look away now, before you're scarred for life!

"mister softee"

More than one search from the UK for this. Hmm....

"cats sneezing snot"

Oh, MAN, have I been there. Give them 1/4 to 1/2 tablet of chlorpheniramine. They might need some antibiotics if the snot is thick and colored. You're welcome.

"how to clean a wound on a stray cat"

I love it that I am now a source of stray cat info for the entire interweb, not just my immediate circle. Hee. But here again, I'd need more info. Is this a cat you can touch, or a completely feral beastie? Either way, proceed with caution. Cat bites can cause nasty infections. Try some betadine or hydrogen peroxide first, I'd think.

"next lime"

I've gotten this several times. What up? Is the scary cashier from Wal-Mart still pulling the "you're the next lime on register 7" line, some 20+ years later? She needs to get a life.

"he always goes barefoot"

Well, I always go barefoot at home, but I'm thinking this is a bigger problem than that. What's the deal? Is it keeping him from getting service in all the "no shoes, no shirt, no service" establishments? Or is it just making his feet really nasty? 'Cause yeah...nasty feet...quite a turn-off. Tell him to put on some flip-flops for heaven's sake. It's a dirty, dirty world out there.

Okay, that's the best of the lot this week. I hope I have been of service to all you googlers out there. I live to serve.


Noelle said...

I'm so jealous! All of my google searchers are boring compared to yours...

georgeious said...

okay so i admit it - long QT must have been me. i hate the scary frikkin 7 elevens out here and pine for the giant wall of drinks at the ever-so-clean quiktrip. how i miss my beloved quiktrip journeys. scott even called me not so long ago simply to relate his QT travels to me.

"yes scott, i DID know they have egg rolls and taquitos there now."

kris said...

I was up in arms as I thought it read: How to wound a stray cat. I was about to call the authorities on those heartless effers.

I'm recomposing myself now . . .

lizgwiz said...

noelle, mine have been verry interesting lately. I'm sure they're terribly disappointed when they find me!

george, where have you been? I was worried about you. (Got the postcard from the critters--tell them thanks for me.) Yes, QT spoils you for all other convenience stores. Love 'em.

kris, oh, I'd be up in arms with you on that one!

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