Last week I was diagnosed with a life-changing disease. A disease that will make me think constantly about every single thing I do to my body for the rest of my life. Every move I make, every bite of food I eat. How I feel now, how I felt an hour ago, how doing something now might make me feel later.
Ironically, a complete lack of regard for my body is how I made this mess. And now… now it’s all I think about every single second. I overreact (internally – I’m not screaming in public or anything) to every little feeling.
“What’s that? Did my foot just tingle? Is it going numb? Do I feel nauseated? Should I eat something? Why do I have a headache? Is that normal? Will this scratch on my foot ever heal?”
I have diabetes, and I’m still in my 20’s.
Lots of people have diabetes. Lots of people are worse off than me. I can control this, potentially for the rest of my life, with just diet and exercise. I don’t have to give myself shots, I don’t have to test my blood sugar, I don’t have to have anything amputated.
I think I’m overreacting to everything because I don’t trust myself to take care of myself. I’ve put nothing but bad things into my body for 29 years, how can I be sure that I’ll change now? Why can’t I just do the things that I know are good for me and walk away from the bad? My body is finally, dramatically, telling me to STOP, but I can’t guarantee I won’t eat my mother-in-laws Christmas candy.
(Hell, that candy might be worth it. It’s freaking good. Homemade peanut butter covered in homemade chocolate? Gee, okay, I’ll eat ten of those.)
I feel bad for my husband. He didn’t sign on for this – he signed on for a healthy, happy, slightly chubby girl. Now he has an overweight, moody woman. He didn’t think that someday his wife might have to have something amputated because she just couldn’t put down the Fritos.
And bean dip. Great googly moogly, I do love me some bean dip.
I have a blog on a weight loss website, and so far it’s been surprisingly helpful. I’ve lost some weight in the last week and a half, and it’s inspiring me to stay on track. So far, things are looking up. But I’m afraid of failing, of falling back on my bad eating habits and doing more damage. Maybe that fear is exactly what will keep me in line, but who knows.
I’m afraid to talk about this thing, this diabetes, and yet at the same time I feel the urge to shout it out to everyone. The few people that I have confided in have, for the most part, had very casual responses, like, “Oh, that sucks. Let’s talk about me now.” At first that really upset me, but now I think maybe it’s just a reaction to finding out we’re not invincible, we are getting older, and we all need to take better care of ourselves.
So maybe that can be the good that comes out of this – a message to everyone… PUT DOWN THE FRITOS AND BEAN DIP. OR YOU MAY LOSE A FOOT.