Monday, August 20, 2007

Single White Female

So, you're wondering if I ever signed up for Match, aren't you? (We'll pretend that's the case, at any rate.) Why yes, yes I did. I decided I could obsess endlessly over the details, or I could dash something off, put it up, and see what happened. So what's happening?

Well, I've gotten a number of "portrait views," which means that the all-important photo must not be TOO bad, if they're making it past that to the profile info. I've gotten a few "winks," and I've gotten a couple of emails, one of which I responded to a few minutes ago (haven't heard back yet, of course) and one of which I responded to with a polite "No, thanks." (Aside from the rampant misspellings and grammar infractions, he was a political conservative, and I have no wish to recreate any sort of James Carville-Mary Matalin-in-reverse dynamic, thanks.)

I have NOT heard back from MY email to the guy whose profile inspired me to join in the first place, though I'm trying not to take that too personally, since his profile currently shows he has not logged in since I sent it. I have also not heard anything from the one guy whose "wink" to me prompted a "wink" from me in return. I suppose I should go ahead an send a full-blown email--since Match keeps telling that an email receives twice as many responses as a wink. (But he winked first! Shouldn't HE should send the first email?)

In the "think before you click" department, I may also now have a old high school classmate who thinks I'm a lesbian. I just wanted to check out some profiles of other women around my age, see how mine "compared," so to speak, and I saw a picture I thought looked familiar. "Don't I know her?" Click. I did know her--we went to school together, her father was one of my favorite teachers, her mother was my hairstylist for a while, and her own hair's just as big as ever. Heh. I didn't realize at the time, being new to Match, that if she checks her "Who's viewed me" box, MY profile and picture will be in there. Oops.

So that's where it stands with Match.

And, of COURSE, as soon as I cancelled my "MeMarmony" subscription, and lost the ability to respond to potential matches without forking over more money, I received a request for open communication from a guy who sounds terrific. What are the odds that he will actually BE as fabulous as he sounds? Good enough to spend more money? Or, given that this is MY life we're talking about, will he disappear from the face of the earth as soon as we actually speak? I haven't decided yet. I'll probably give the Match guys a little more time first, since I've already paid for a month there.

So did I give in to the temptation to be a smart ass in my Match profile? Well, a little bit, sure. I didn't go nearly as far as I wanted. HERE'S what I would have really liked to post, as a kneejerk reaction to SO many of the profiles I've now read:

So you want to take "long walks on the beach," do you? Let me compliment you on your originality of thought. Okay, first off, has it escaped your notice that we're in OKLAHOMA, and beaches are a bit scarce? We have plenty of lake shoreline--is that what you meant? (Either way, cheap date much? Are you at least going to spring for a nice bottle of wine?)

Am I equally "at home in jeans or high heels"? Still with the originality, I see. Okay, I don't wear jeans. I realize that makes me something of a communist, or maybe a terrorist, but I've never found denim to be all that comfortable, personally, and jeans aren't really all that flattering on every body type. (Heresy!) I find nothing more comfortable than a nice, flowy skirt. (Rayon is nice and soft.) Except maybe my flannel sleep pants, of which I own several pairs, though I promise I don't wear them in public. (All right, just that once!) And heels? I have some, and I wear them when the occasion demands. I find, though, as I get older, the occasion just doesn't demand all that often. Sandals and boots, depending on the weather--that's what it's all about for me. Oh...I'm really didn't want a detailed discourse on my fashion choices? You just wanted to know if I'm comfortable in a variety of social settings? Well, why didn't you just SAY that? Yes. Yes, I am.

You don't want anyone with "emotional baggage?" Not even a light carry-on? Seriously, who DOESN'T have some emotional baggage? If you've ever had a relationship--with parents, siblings, classmates, teachers, friends, co-workers, significant and not-so-significant others--you're carrying something around as a result. The only way to avoid it completely would be if you were conceived in a test tube, and raised in some sort of Utopian lab, I suppose. And who wants to date THAT? What you really mean, I suspect, is that you want your respective baggages to be compatible. Her Louis Vuitton duffel has to somehow be at home with your Samsonite suitcase. Perhaps you could come up with a less cliched way to say that.

You insist you want friendship first, then we'll see what happens? That's code for "waiting to see if any of your other choices are going to respond," right? That's okay--since I'm probably doing the same thing.

Let's get down to brass tacks--if you're interested in a smart woman (yes, maybe smarter than you) with a brain she uses occasionally to form her own opinions, a funny woman (yes, maybe funnier than you) who can't always let the zinger just sit there "unzung," who is nonetheless kind-hearted and considerate, then here I am. If that doesn't appeal to you--hey, look! There's a woman over there, walking along the beach in jeans and heels. Looks like just your type.


Noelle said...

When I was first on Match, I looked up a bunch of women's profiles, just to get a feeling for what kind of thing I should be doing. However, that was back in the late 90's, before "winking" and "profile look-ups" and "the internet."

-R- said...

Just don't wink at your old haircutting acquaintance, and I think it will be ok.

Unless you're into that kind of thing.

Whiskeymarie said...

I REALLY think you should have just gone ahead and used that as your profile.
I really like an honest woman.
And long walks on the beach.
But I'm not a lesbian, and neither are you...
so I guess it doesn't matter what I think.

Stinkypaw said...

That would be too funny - now only a man with a true sense of humor would get that and in the process you, the gem! Hee

Good luck with whatever you put up and have fun while doing it!

nancypearlwannabe said...

Yeah, maybe you should've tried that profile out for a bit... who knows, it might be the key to finding normal men! Wait, there are normal men out there, right?

lizgwiz said...

noelle, ah yes, the halcyon days of the late 90s. I remember them well. If not fondly.

-r-, yeah, I'm sure she knew what I was doing. And, despite the universe's attempts to steer me in that direction, I am NOT into that kind of thing. Hee.

whiskeymarie, well, if I was a lesbian, and you were a lesbian, I'm sure I'd be honored to take a long walk on the beach with you. ;)

stinkypaw, a sense of humor is essential, no doubt. Hopefully what I did post will weed out the totally humorless!

npw, I haven't ruled out changing my profile, if things don't go well. The snark could still be posted! As for "normal," well, I guess I'm just hoping for abnormal in a good way. ;)

L Sass said...

Dude, I would totally go out with the person who posted that description!

Although, I guess it's probably better to avoid too much negativity in a first impression, right?

Mousse said...

Teehee...A smart ass profile, if only !!!

Dare ya :-)

guinness girl said...

Oh my god, you make me laugh out loud, Liz. :) I love that profile! The last line is my favorite.

stefanie said...

Oh my goodness, Liz; I think you just wrote MY profile, too!!

(I actually wear jeans pretty regularly, but other than that, I was nodding furiously in total agreement, sister.)

lizgwiz said...

lsass, I would love to see a profile like that, too. But I was afraid I might overwhelm their delicate male psyches. ;)

mousse, a dare, huh? Well, maybe...

GG, we all know you're THE champion profile writer, so I'm happy to have made you laugh. :)

stef, feel free to use it, if you like. I dare ya...

I was a bit remiss, though. I should have made some sort of connection between the frequently posted pictures of giant Harleys, shiny sports cars and Hummers, and the probable small nature of the corresponding penis. Hee.

metalia said...

That is the most awesome profile evah. I say, give it a shot!