Literally. Right in two. Of course, it was only a heart-shaped incense holder that came to a bad end upon colliding with a much sturdier vase that I clumsily knocked over, and it had no particular value, sentimental or otherwise, but wasn't that a dramatic way to title a post which, I'm afraid, will otherwise be largely about cat poop?
Yes, the verdict is in, and my household is apparently awash in Giardia. Delightful! That means that for the next week I get to treat not only the [embarrassingly large number redacted] indoor cats, but also Pudge the dog, and Dolly and McBeady, for good measure. I can't be sure they all have it, of course, but I can't be sure they don't, so everybody gets granules mixed in their food this week. Tasty granules for everyone! The little parasites were most likely brought into the house via Timmy and Babs, the two of Dolly's formerly feral kittens that I kept. And yes, we did a fecal check on them back then, but only a fecal float done in the office. This time we did the extra-special (and therefore extra-expensive), extra-thorough sent-off-to-the-lab type. And voila! Giardia. I guess I got my money's worth, at least.
I have now decided what my epitaph will be. The single phrase that most completely encapsulates my life:
Here lies Liz. No good deed goes unpunished.
Of course, I'm not sure exactly where this epitaph will be engraved, since I plan to be cremated and, depending on my mood at the time, have my ashes scattered from a mountaintop, turned into part of a barrier reef or exploded in a fireworks display. (Festive!) So maybe it will be my figurative epitaph, as opposed to my literal one, but nonetheless, it seems appropriate.
What else is going on in LizLand? I'm kicking myself for giving in to the impulse to buy a scale, for one thing. So depressing. Despite the fact that I've been very good (NO beer and almost NO CHEESE!), and have not missed a single day's exercise, the numbers are just not falling downward as rapidly as I would like. Oh, I know, I know...I'm building muscle, my body is changing, blah, blah, blah. I actually found myself last night seriously considering buying some Zantrex-3. Dustin Diamond, the World's Single Most Odious Person, lost quite a bit of weight on Celebrity Fit Club this week, by "cheating" with Zantrex-3, and I actually googled it this morning. Turns out it's really almost nothing but caffeine, tons and tons of caffeine, so I think I'll pass. I'm plenty caffeinated as it is, I think. Besides, I'd hate to think I have ANYthing in common with Dustin. "He breathes air? I'm growing gills!"
Cute Church Guy wasn't in church yesterday, but his mother (who is WAY cool, incidentally; I just love her) told me how beautiful I looked. Inside my head a little voice was screaming "Beautiful enough for your son? Tell your son!" But on the outside I just calmly said thanks. (And wondered why I am suddenly so beautiful to middle-aged married women. My boss's sister who is visiting from out-of-town said the same thing to me last week. I'm quite sure neither of these women was hitting on me. Maybe I was wearing something particularly flattering? Is that new wrinkle cream working? Hmm...) The lesbians and I had a little chat about appropriate wedding music--turns out they're getting married (not legally, of course, this is Oklahoma) this fall. At least CCG wasn't there to witness that cozy little confab. Hee. I was actually one of the witnesses in a gay wedding (commitment ceremony, union, blessing, whatever you want to call it) years ago, but I could never figure out if I was the best man or the maid of honor. I stood on the side of the butcher of the two guys, so...best man?
Aside from that....it's raining. Over and over again it rains. "I am so. tired. of this. rain. Remind me not to honeymoon in Niagara Falls." Quick--who said that in what movie? I'm probably the only one who knows. I'm a dork.
Oh well, at least I don't have giardia. I don't think. Omigod...what if?! Maybe I ought to throw some of those granules in with some tofu, just to be safe.