Monday, June 18, 2007

My heart was broken this morning.

Literally. Right in two. Of course, it was only a heart-shaped incense holder that came to a bad end upon colliding with a much sturdier vase that I clumsily knocked over, and it had no particular value, sentimental or otherwise, but wasn't that a dramatic way to title a post which, I'm afraid, will otherwise be largely about cat poop?

Yes, the verdict is in, and my household is apparently awash in Giardia. Delightful! That means that for the next week I get to treat not only the [embarrassingly large number redacted] indoor cats, but also Pudge the dog, and Dolly and McBeady, for good measure. I can't be sure they all have it, of course, but I can't be sure they don't, so everybody gets granules mixed in their food this week. Tasty granules for everyone! The little parasites were most likely brought into the house via Timmy and Babs, the two of Dolly's formerly feral kittens that I kept. And yes, we did a fecal check on them back then, but only a fecal float done in the office. This time we did the extra-special (and therefore extra-expensive), extra-thorough sent-off-to-the-lab type. And voila! Giardia. I guess I got my money's worth, at least.

I have now decided what my epitaph will be. The single phrase that most completely encapsulates my life:

Here lies Liz. No good deed goes unpunished.

Of course, I'm not sure exactly where this epitaph will be engraved, since I plan to be cremated and, depending on my mood at the time, have my ashes scattered from a mountaintop, turned into part of a barrier reef or exploded in a fireworks display. (Festive!) So maybe it will be my figurative epitaph, as opposed to my literal one, but nonetheless, it seems appropriate.

What else is going on in LizLand? I'm kicking myself for giving in to the impulse to buy a scale, for one thing. So depressing. Despite the fact that I've been very good (NO beer and almost NO CHEESE!), and have not missed a single day's exercise, the numbers are just not falling downward as rapidly as I would like. Oh, I know, I know...I'm building muscle, my body is changing, blah, blah, blah. I actually found myself last night seriously considering buying some Zantrex-3. Dustin Diamond, the World's Single Most Odious Person, lost quite a bit of weight on Celebrity Fit Club this week, by "cheating" with Zantrex-3, and I actually googled it this morning. Turns out it's really almost nothing but caffeine, tons and tons of caffeine, so I think I'll pass. I'm plenty caffeinated as it is, I think. Besides, I'd hate to think I have ANYthing in common with Dustin. "He breathes air? I'm growing gills!"

Cute Church Guy wasn't in church yesterday, but his mother (who is WAY cool, incidentally; I just love her) told me how beautiful I looked. Inside my head a little voice was screaming "Beautiful enough for your son? Tell your son!" But on the outside I just calmly said thanks. (And wondered why I am suddenly so beautiful to middle-aged married women. My boss's sister who is visiting from out-of-town said the same thing to me last week. I'm quite sure neither of these women was hitting on me. Maybe I was wearing something particularly flattering? Is that new wrinkle cream working? Hmm...) The lesbians and I had a little chat about appropriate wedding music--turns out they're getting married (not legally, of course, this is Oklahoma) this fall. At least CCG wasn't there to witness that cozy little confab. Hee. I was actually one of the witnesses in a gay wedding (commitment ceremony, union, blessing, whatever you want to call it) years ago, but I could never figure out if I was the best man or the maid of honor. I stood on the side of the butcher of the two guys, man?

Aside from's raining. Over and over again it rains. "I am so. tired. of this. rain. Remind me not to honeymoon in Niagara Falls." Quick--who said that in what movie? I'm probably the only one who knows. I'm a dork.

Oh well, at least I don't have giardia. I don't think. Omigod...what if?! Maybe I ought to throw some of those granules in with some tofu, just to be safe.


stefanie said...

I have been being (mostly) good with the sensible eating lately, too, and yet my gut continues to grow. No, I am not pregnant. I do, however, think I may have sort of a reverse parasite. Instead of feeding off me and making me skinny, it is just making me fat. I'd like to trade it for a tapeworm instead, please.

This may officially be the weirdest comment ever. So sorry. Yay for getting in good with Mom of Cute Church Guy!! :-) Boo for cat parasites. :-(

-R- said...

I think that doing the opposite of whatever Dustin D. does is probably a pretty good rule of thumb.

How hot is Warren G!

Noelle said...

You can always try that new diet pill, alli. Yeah, you may have some disgusting side effects (oh, excuse me, the website calls them "treatment effects") but they advise that you simply wear dark clothing and bring a change of pants! A change of pants! I'll take the pot belly, thank you.

Sparkling Cipher said...

Oh, please! "So you'll go to Acupulco." I'm a dork, too.

You might not be losing as quickly as you'd like, but obviously the healthier lifestyle is showing in your shape and skin. I've been getting a bit of that also. I just say "thank you," but what I think is the less grateful, "Where is my 'You look so slim and fit'?!"

lizgwiz said...

stef, I'll refrain from suggesting again the "fetus in fetu." Hee. (I actually watched a special on one of the Discovery channels about those, and it was simultaneously the most fascinating and horrifying thing ever.) I'm really surprised, given our culture's fascination with being thin, that tapeworms AREN'T the new hot thing. ;)

-r-, Warren G is HOT, indeed! And little intern Ross is so cute--I want to adopt him.

noelle, yeah, I was pretty much dissuaded from trying alli when I read that they encourage you to start taking it at a time when you can stay home for a few days, just in case. Blecch.

spark, yay! Someone gets my dorkiness. And, by the way, I've noticed you're looking quite slim and fit these days. :)

Stinkypaw said...

Eew, just checked that link - not good. If I were you I would think about having myself checked as well or like you said have some granules... just in case. I like you festive idea for your ashes, good one. You looking good might all be due to your training activities, so it's only normal people are noticing it - keep it up and throw that scale out! That is the worst thing you can do when you try to lose weight! It will only bring you down. Out! Trust me!

gorillabuns said...

i understand the frustration when the numbers don't go down fast enough!

i've been a loser and gainer all my life and now that i've lost a pithy 22lbs. of the 50 bajillion left to lose, not one person can tell i've lost weight.

so sorry for your cats. i think i would be throwing granules into your tofu as well. parasites freak me out!!!

finally, i thought we were supposed to be finished with rain for a week or so?

lizgwiz said...

stinkypaw, yeah, I need to lock that scale away somewhere, and only bring it out when I need to weigh a cat!

gorillabuns, I just keep waiting for ONE person to say "have you lost weight?" That would be so gratifying. Maybe people think that's rude, though. Or maybe I really DON'T look like I've lost any. Sigh.

And the rain, my god, the rain. It's making me crazy!