It's definitely love.

With the Vegan Citrus Sparerib Cutlets, of course. The orange "chicken" and pepper "steaks" were nothing to write home about.

So, how was my weekend with the boy? Fine. We did manage to tame my overgrown shrubs and flowerbeds. (Totally not a euphemism, by the way. Though I have used lawn and garden-related euphemisms in the past, this time it's a straight up reference to shrub trimming. Heh.) He suffers from a stereotypical male problem--the inability to distinguish between a "flower" and a "weed," but...we managed not to come to blows. (That's not a euphemism, either.) We ate Indian food. We had a slightly unpleasant encounter with a jerk police officer. (Not that interesting a story--the guy was just a dillweed. Heh.) I took him to a park he hadn't experienced yet, and we walked among the rock chasms. It was nice.

This week he is working the closing shift at the restaurant every night, which sucks. His brother and I are alternating picking him up, but other than that, I won't see him until the weekend.

Okay now...in reply to the "you like him" squeals in response to my last post, yes...I do like him. More than I thought I would. I admit it. But...

There's always a "but," isn't there? The fly in the proverbial ointment?

BUT...I still don't think this is really a long-term relationship, and I'll tell you why. Skipping over the few petty things he does that irritate me--'cause those certainly aren't deal breakers, and I'm sure he could come up with an equivalent list about me--here it is in a nutshell: it seems he wants to have kids.

How do I know this? Because he has, more than once, asked if I'd like to have kids. With him. No ambiguity there.

Now, a desire to have children (whether or not it's being urged on him by his mother, which I suspect may be true) is a perfectly normal desire for a 39-year-old man. However, as I have told him, more than once, if that is the case, then that 39-year-old man needs to get over his preference for older women and try a little harder to find some interest in the younger ones. 'Cause this particular older woman AIN'T HAVIN' NO BABIES. I'm 46 years old, and that ship has sailed.

Now, technically, I don't know that it has literally sailed. Aunt Flo still makes her regular visits, and I haven't tested my FSH levels to see if the machinery is truly starting to shut down, but the fact remains that most women of my age can only get (and stay) pregnant with some difficulty. And I absolutely DO know that I am not spiritually or emotionally up for later life first-time motherhood. My knees are creaking, my dollar store reading glasses are getting stronger each year, I'm staring down the barrel of 50--I think that's the universe's way of saying "how about a nice cat and a good book, instead."

So, I tell him this, quite clearly, he says he was just kidding, and he doesn't really like babies, anyway--"expensive, noisy, messy, every day wah,wah,wah"--but then he brings it up AGAIN. Part of me thinks the nicest thing to do would be to break it off now, and send him on his way before HE gets any older. But then another part of me says "fuck it." I've been honest with him, he's a grown man who can make his own decisions (at least in theory--in actuality he's in many ways an overgrown boy), and I'm having fun. I deserve some fun, at this point. If he really wants to father a child, then HE needs to man up and make the choices necessary for that to happen.

So, MY plan is this: we continue to enjoy each other's company for as long as we enjoy each other's company, and if, at some point, he wants to stop seeing me and pursue someone who will eagerly have his children, then...no hard feelings. Or, conversely, if I want to stop seeing him and pursue someone with no desire to have children, then...no hard feelings.

We'll see how well this plan works, I guess, huh?