Tuesday, May 01, 2007

But I already have a toaster oven...

I might have inadvertently outed myself last weekend. I say "inadvertently" primarily because I'm not actually gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. (/Seinfeldian inflection) Maybe I should explain.

I have been invited twice now to join a women's chorus that meets weekly. A women's chorus made up almost exclusively of lesbians. But not completely exclusively--apparently there are a couple of straight members, who just like singing with other women. The first invite was made a few weeks ago by the group's leader. I worked with her in the "Fridiron" show I did a while back. We had a lot of fun working together, and hoped we could do it again some time. She invited me to come join the chorus on Tuesday nights, if I ever had some free time and a yen to do the choral thing. I thanked her for the invitation, but truthfully, I feel like I've done just about all the choral singing a person needs to do in one lifetime, and I'm primarily interested in pursuing more individual performance opportunities these days. But if I change my mind, it's nice to know I'm welcome, lesbian or no.

Then, this weekend, after a church choir rehearsal, one of the choir members, an openly gay young woman I don't really know very well, said "Hey, what do you do on Tuesday nights?" Why do you ask? "Well, I'm a member of this choir..." I interrupted--Oh, you mean Rebecca's group? "Yes." Yeah, she invited me to join a while back...blah blah blah. We chit-chatted a bit more, and as I left, I realized....she must TOTALLY think I'm a lesbian. (Not that there's anything wrong with that. Hee.) And I must have just TOTALLY confirmed her thinking--how else would I instantly know about the Tuesday night lesbian choir? And, of course, I am a single woman of a certain age--people start to wonder. (I'm just picky, okay?) So, I was sort of amused. (And not offended in the least, let me be sure to state.) I also felt a little presumptuous--I probably shouldn't have assumed she was talking about the lesbian choir, just because she's a lesbian. But, at any rate, I suppose I'll have to let her go on thinking I'm on her team, since I can't figure out a graceful way to say "Oh, hey--you didn't think I was gay, did you?" And not that it really matters, since I see her only at church on Sundays, anyway, and why do I care?

But, of course, I do care, a little, because I realized that this entire conversation had taken place in front of the one guy in my church on whom I have a sizable crush, and omigod, what if he thinks I'm a lesbian?! It's the kind of crush that renders me completely unable to form intelligent sentences in his presence. The kind of crush that makes me want to titter a little when he grabs my hand to exchange the peace. ("Omigod, he totally touched me.") You know, THAT guy. A guy who, for the record, has never given me the slightest indication that he has even the slightest interest in me as anything other than a fellow parishioner, and who would undoubtedly be astonished to learn that I had the slightest interest in him, since I seldom even speak to him, given my inability to form coherent words, and all. Gah. How silly! Do we ever outgrow feeling like gawky prepubescent girls inside? And yet, even knowing full well it almost certainly MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO HIM whether I'm a lesbian, or straight, or thinking of becoming a nun, or thinking of becoming a MAN, for that matter, I still had that moment of chagrin. So silly.

Oh, heck, given my recent track record with men, maybe I SHOULD be a lesbian. I'll bet there are all kinds of nice women in that choir. And, while I already have a toaster oven, maybe I could get a blender or something if I "join up." Do you think it will be a problem that I don't have any desire to actually have sex with other women? Yeah, you're right, it probably will be. Guess I'll just hang on to my crazy cat lady/spinster status for now. At least until that day when Cute Church Guy grabs my hand to exchange the peace and suddenly realizes that I am The One He's Been Waiting For His Whole Life. Hey...a spinster can dream, right?

11 comments:

-R- said...

That is hilarious. And really, there is no good way to find out if the woman thinks you're a lesbian or not. Or if the guy thinks that. Which makes it more hilarious.

Noelle said...

I think that a guy thinking you to be a lesbian can only work in your favor.

I sort of played gay for a while to get in the good graces with my landlesbian, but I think she figured out I'm straight after seeing my boyfriend come and go. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

stefanie said...

I just think it's awesome that you have a crush on someone. (It's been so very very long since I was giddy about anyone.) Also, I love Noelle's comment. She's right: guys dig girls who like chicks, right? So yeah, um, good luck with that.

Sparkling Cipher said...

I can't tell you how pleased I am that someone else I know - besides the guy who watches TV with me every day - also alludes to Seinfeld in regular conversation.

And don't worry about the guy. Sounds like the beginning of one of those romance novels I'm always reading - and you know how those always end. ;-)

Meanwhile... how to get him to realize you're not gay... pinch his bottom? Lets him know your straight and interested. Eh, maybe not appropriate for church. I've gotta think on this one... ;-)

lizgwiz said...

-r-, I suppose I could just start talking loudly about my sexual attraction to men, where I knew they both would hear. Of course, since that would be CHURCH, that might be a little awkward.

noelle, I have dated guys who thought lesbians were the hottest thing ever. Of course, they were generally thinking of the porno film-type lesbians, and not the sensible shoes-and-flannel-shirt-wearing kind. But maybe since I never wear flannel shirts, and I'm all about the jewelry and makeup, he WILL think I'm one of the "good" kind. Hee.

stef, this is the frustrating sort of crush, though--I've actually had it for several years, and I know I will NEVER do anything about it. I only see him at church. Though, since he recently started singing with the church choir (he SINGS, too? *swoon*)--maybe there will be an opportunity to get somewhat better acquainted. He just needs a chance to experience my sparkling wit and brilliance, right? That's really hard to express properly through "Peace be with you." Hee.

sparkling, you mean there are people who DON'T make Seinfeld references in regular conversation? Who ARE these people? And yes, a romance novel ending would be nice--since I'm sure it would involve the "throbbing length of his manhood" in some way. Hee.

3carnations said...

When I was single, I had a female friend that served as my "date", and vice versa, when we had occasions that should have a date. It was 100% platonic, but I remember bringing her to a party at a coworker's house and getting some strange looks. Whatever. :)

Stinkypaw said...

You are too funny! And so cute with your girly gawkyness! I agree with Noelle, your odds are probably better with any guy if he thinks that maybe you swing both ways!

What's keeping you from talking to him? Don't tell me you're shy, you're an actor - c'mon!!

lizgwiz said...

3car, I have a female friend like that, too. She has season tickets to a lot of things, and often lets me be her "date." Sadly, she's probably the best date I've had recently. Hee.

stinkypaw, I don't know what it is. Being around this guy just paralyzes me. Maybe if we were ever in a more conducive setting (than church) I could get some chit-chat going, but I can't figure out how to make that happen. Sigh.

metalia said...

That is hysterical. I'm noticing that you attract lesbians like I attract hobos.

stefanie said...

Ha. Metalia cracks me up. :-)

Also, Liz, if you want this man to see your sparkling wit, perhaps you should give him your blog address? Kidding, of course. I know that's a big, big step.

lizgwiz said...

metalia, at least they don't usually ask me for money. Or pee. ;)

stef, I'd have to delete a few pertinent blog posts first, for sure!