I might have inadvertently outed myself last weekend. I say "inadvertently" primarily because I'm not actually gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. (/Seinfeldian inflection) Maybe I should explain.
I have been invited twice now to join a women's chorus that meets weekly. A women's chorus made up almost exclusively of lesbians. But not completely exclusively--apparently there are a couple of straight members, who just like singing with other women. The first invite was made a few weeks ago by the group's leader. I worked with her in the "Fridiron" show I did a while back. We had a lot of fun working together, and hoped we could do it again some time. She invited me to come join the chorus on Tuesday nights, if I ever had some free time and a yen to do the choral thing. I thanked her for the invitation, but truthfully, I feel like I've done just about all the choral singing a person needs to do in one lifetime, and I'm primarily interested in pursuing more individual performance opportunities these days. But if I change my mind, it's nice to know I'm welcome, lesbian or no.
Then, this weekend, after a church choir rehearsal, one of the choir members, an openly gay young woman I don't really know very well, said "Hey, what do you do on Tuesday nights?" Why do you ask? "Well, I'm a member of this choir..." I interrupted--Oh, you mean Rebecca's group? "Yes." Yeah, she invited me to join a while back...blah blah blah. We chit-chatted a bit more, and as I left, I realized....she must TOTALLY think I'm a lesbian. (Not that there's anything wrong with that. Hee.) And I must have just TOTALLY confirmed her thinking--how else would I instantly know about the Tuesday night lesbian choir? And, of course, I am a single woman of a certain age--people start to wonder. (I'm just picky, okay?) So, I was sort of amused. (And not offended in the least, let me be sure to state.) I also felt a little presumptuous--I probably shouldn't have assumed she was talking about the lesbian choir, just because she's a lesbian. But, at any rate, I suppose I'll have to let her go on thinking I'm on her team, since I can't figure out a graceful way to say "Oh, hey--you didn't think I was gay, did you?" And not that it really matters, since I see her only at church on Sundays, anyway, and why do I care?
But, of course, I do care, a little, because I realized that this entire conversation had taken place in front of the one guy in my church on whom I have a sizable crush, and omigod, what if he thinks I'm a lesbian?! It's the kind of crush that renders me completely unable to form intelligent sentences in his presence. The kind of crush that makes me want to titter a little when he grabs my hand to exchange the peace. ("Omigod, he totally touched me.") You know, THAT guy. A guy who, for the record, has never given me the slightest indication that he has even the slightest interest in me as anything other than a fellow parishioner, and who would undoubtedly be astonished to learn that I had the slightest interest in him, since I seldom even speak to him, given my inability to form coherent words, and all. Gah. How silly! Do we ever outgrow feeling like gawky prepubescent girls inside? And yet, even knowing full well it almost certainly MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO HIM whether I'm a lesbian, or straight, or thinking of becoming a nun, or thinking of becoming a MAN, for that matter, I still had that moment of chagrin. So silly.
Oh, heck, given my recent track record with men, maybe I SHOULD be a lesbian. I'll bet there are all kinds of nice women in that choir. And, while I already have a toaster oven, maybe I could get a blender or something if I "join up." Do you think it will be a problem that I don't have any desire to actually have sex with other women? Yeah, you're right, it probably will be. Guess I'll just hang on to my crazy cat lady/spinster status for now. At least until that day when Cute Church Guy grabs my hand to exchange the peace and suddenly realizes that I am The One He's Been Waiting For His Whole Life. Hey...a spinster can dream, right?