Thursday, May 01, 2008

The rest of the story

So, I'm sure you're dying to know...does New Guy now have physical custody of...New Guy's Son? Yes, yes he does.

And what does that mean for me? Well, it means I will see very little, if any, of him between now and the time he moves (some time over the summer). We're talking on the phone, but his focus is, and will be for a while, on his son. Hopefully at some point I will be able to at least join them for dinner or something, but he's got to get him established into a routine first. That's the priority. It occurs to me that I've probably never mentioned ('cause why would I?) that his son is autistic. So this isn't just a case of a kid adapting to a new place and new school. It's a little more complicated. And I'm praying it goes smoothly for them both.

As for me...well, I'm depressed. And pissed off. (NOT, I repeat, NOT at New Guy or his son. Maybe a tad bit at his ex-wife, but no...not going to go there.) I'm pissed off at whatever combination of god/fate/the universe is calling the shots here.

I feel cheated. All I was asking for was one more month. ONE MONTH. I knew things were going to change when the school year ended for him and his kids, but I thought I'd have until then. I thought we'd have one last, lovely month, with the stress of his job search (which was considerable) over for him, and rehearsals over and sciatica better for me. We could finally relax, enjoy the beautiful spring weather and each other...spend some truly quality time. Yes, it would come to an end, but we'd make the most of our remaining time.

And then BAM! We had one night to say goodbye. One stinking night. A week night, at that, so that both of us had to go to work the next morning. It's unfair. (And yeah, I know, I should certainly know by now that life isn't fair.)

So, that's how the story goes. First guy I've had real feelings for in years, and this is how it ends. I keep hoping, of course, that maybe this isn't the final chapter in our story, but for now, I have to act like it is. And it's killing me.

All I want to do at the end of the day is go home and have a beer or two...or three...but I'm not letting myself do that. I know the difference between enjoying a tall frosty one, and self-medicating, and I'm not going to let myself go down that path. I've always drunk because I wanted to, never because I needed to, and I want to keep it that way. I'll enjoy an adult beverage or two if I'm out with friends, but not at home alone. Too dangerous. For me. Right now.

I'll be fine, I know. I'll get through this. It's just going to take a while.

Well, this was a real downer of a post, wasn't it? As long as we're down, I will also share with you that I haven't seen McBeady in over a month. I fear the worst. (Dolly still checks in every day, thank goodness.)

The sciatica is gradually getting better, and I'm hoping next week to start back in with some gentle cardio and yoga, 'cause god knows I could use those good feelings right now! I'll self-medicate with endorphins--yeah, that's the ticket.


3carnations said...

That IS a really rough way for it to "end", so to speak. I guess flowery sentiments like "at least you had what you had while you had it" don't do much good...

My son's friend's sister has autism. She has highly functioning autism, so she's smart as can be, she just has some social difficulties.

Mary said...

Sorry to hear about this, Liz. You know, the long distance thing really can work. Not permanently, but it's worth a try.

Allie said...

Maybe it's best that you didn't have one last month. Maybe that would have just made things worse when 'the end' came. I don't know. Sorry things are poopy!

L Sass said...

I'm sorry this whole thing turned out so crappy.

Sending you humongous hugs.

Noelle said...

That totally blows. At least you are handling it in a smart way, not that it makes it any easier.

Stefanie said...

Allie may be on to something. It still sucks, though. I'm sorry, Liz.

lizgwiz said...

3car, his son is fairly high-functioning, too...but routine and familiarity are very important to him.

mary, I can't see that happening for some reason, but maybe I'm wrong.

allie, I really think it would have helped. Mainly because the last month has been kind of crappy--very busy and stressful for us both, not a lot of time spent together. I wouldn't feel so cheated if our last time together had been...sweeter. It would still be hard, I know. Sigh.

sass, thanks for the hugs. I'll take 'em!

noelle, well, I'm nothing if not smart. For all the goddamn good it ever does me. ;)

stef, se above re: final month. And yes, it does suck. A lot.

-R- said...

I would just like to reiterate what Noelle said. Also, I am glad your back is starting to feel better.

gorillabuns said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. I hate it when people are sad. I hate it when you are sad.

nancypearlwannabe said...

NOW do we get to beat him up?!

Sigh. I'm sorry you're feeling poorly. The whole situation sucks. It probably doesn't make you feel better right now, but I think you are handling it admirably well and you have a positive outlook. Hang in there! Next Guy is going to be so much better.

Sauntering Soul said...

My cousin's son is autistic so I totally understand how important routine is to New Guy's son.

This all just sucks and I wish I lived close enough to give you a big huge hug in person. I'm with gorillabuns....I hate to see you sad.

Lara said...

Oh no! Poor McBeady! And really, poor YOU. That really does suck about New Guy's New Situation. I hope you two are able to work everything out and still manage to see each other and whatnot.