Thursday, March 13, 2008

What a beautiful expression of true love

I was watching a bit of Jerry Springer on my lunch hour (I know--shut up!) and one of the two men competing for the affections of one "lovely" "lady" named "Rhonda" used his remarkable skill as a poet to try to get the edge over the other fellow. Who might be a brilliant poet, as well, but we would never know because he had a speech impediment which rendered him very nearly unintelligible. The only word Jerry and I made out clearly, when the guy attempted to articulate what made him the better man for Ms. Rhonda, was "psoriasis." Yeah, I'm not sure what that had to do with anything, either. But apparently Rhonda itches. And I was apparently the only one who got Jerry's "well, that's heartbreaking" reference. (I love Jerry, for the record. I know--shut up!)

Anyway, back to the poem. Which I think I remember well enough to paraphrase it for you here. Just picture it being read aloud by a scruffy, unshaven redneck, with a beer belly and no shirt. (I think it got ripped off by the other guy in a fight, but I missed that part.)

R--is for ribs, that you like to eat.
H--is for hot dogs, 'cause you like to eat 'em after the ribs.
O--is for only one for me.
N--is for night, I want to spend with you.
D--is for dairy, 'cause I know you like milk.
A--is for alcoholic, which I have become since you left me.

Isn't that beautiful? I got a little tear in my eye. Rhonda (who I would guess is NOT a vegan) did, too...but then she told him it was over, and then his sister came out, and she and Rhonda pulled each other's hair for a while, and then I went back to work.

I only wish someone would write a poem that beautiful for ME someday. Well, you know...without the carnivorous angle. "L is for lentils." Heh.

14 comments:

Stefanie said...

Wow. Ribs with a hot dog chaser. Now that's a classy (and nutritious) meal.

I will never understand why Jerry Springer is still on the air. I will never understand why Jerry Springer was EVER on the air!

Whiskeymarie said...

Man, I haven't seen Jerry in a looooong time.
I kind of miss it.
i have a few weeks off, maybe I'll get re-acquainted...

3carnations said...

L is for lots, because she won't tell us how many cats she has

I is for independent, cause she don't need no stinkin' New Guy (but she likes him anyway)

Z is for zero, the number of times she has turned away an animal who showed up at her door

Hmm...Maybe I should leave the letter poems to Rhonda's man.

Noelle said...

3carn's rhyme skillz are too mad for me. I too did not know that Springer was still on the air. I also am glad to have this report so I can continue to not have cable and feel good about that.

Sauntering Soul said...

I can't believe Rhonda is letting a guy like that get away. What is this world coming to?

gorillabuns said...

A true poet. Well, a true drunk poet. I love it!

lizgwiz said...

stef, believe me, Rhonda just screamed class and nutritional awareness. Hee.

whiskeymarie, I don't watch it often, but occasionally...well, if nothing else, it makes me feel very smart. And clean. And functional.

3car, hee! I love it. And I'll gladly tell you how many cats I have. "Some." I have "some" cats. ;)

noelle, I'm really kind of surprised he's still on, too...if only because Jerry in real life seems to be so smart and funny, and he got such good press when he did "Dancing with the Stars." I guess the money must be too good to pass up.

ss, I know! And he was every bit as attractive as the guy with the speech impediment who rubbed lotion on her psoriasis. ;)

gorillabun, it gave me a good lunchtime laugh, to be sure.

Stinkypaw said...

After reading "Rhonda's Poem" I can't help but wonder if Rhonda was a "small" woman...

Tony B. Loney said...

I wrote you a poem, but thought better of posting it where you have all your blogger friends and they might kick my butt. Instead, a small remembrance of our early years:

1980-something: A bracingly handsome woman catches my eye across a crowded dance floor as we hear the beat of a song too strong to contain our need to move. Although we do not speak a word, we join each other in The Dance, perfectly in tune with the other, then break, returning to our original seats. A moment forever lost in a sea of time.

The Song: "Ghostbusters."

Now THAT'S poetry.

lizgwiz said...

stinky, let's just say Rhonda was...the opposite of small. ;)

BFF, it was a magical moment. I think I still remember the clever choreography we shared.

L Sass said...

Z is for Zesty's, because you remind me of my most favorite pizza place!

nancypearlwannabe said...

Yeah, seriously, what channel is Springer on? I didn't even catch a glimpse of him the whole time I was sick on vacation, and I watched A LOT of TV.

Ribs and hot dogs sound like summer food, and I am so ready for summer!

metalia said...

That was the best poem I ever read. I miss watching Springer.

Lara said...

That is the best poem EVER.