Thursday, January 08, 2009

Dinner with "casserole"

No, not casserole FOR dinner, dinner with "casserole." See yesterday's post if you're confused.

Anyway, I had dinner last night with Mr. "You Have Too Many Cats." We had stayed in pretty regular contact, trading pleasant, non-consequential messages back and forth, and had discussed that we might possibly have dinner together one night. So, last night was the night.

Some people should just be pen pals, I guess. Sigh.

He picked me up at my house--something I was actually looking forward to, as I wanted to knock down those stereotypical images of what he imagined a house being lived in by [number redacted] cats would be like. I had tried to convince him that my house a) doesn't generally smell and b) isn't swimming in knee-deep cat hair, but I don't think he ever really believed me. Until last night, when he was forced to admit that he never would have imagined I had animals. He only saw a couple of them, of course, since the shy ones scoot when strangers come, and he kept saying, "but I thought you said you had a lot of cats." I DO, dude. They're hiding. Would I seriously have inflated the number of cats I have, just for fun? 'Cause we all know guys dig chicks with LOTS of cats. Heh.

So, when I actually laid eyes on him, was I sorry to have been proactively defaulted to friend status? Ummm...NO. No physical attraction whatsoever.

Anyway, off we go. We discuss where to go, he suggests a popular bar/restaurant downtown, I say "ooh, they have the BEST beer menu," he enthusiastically agrees (remember this a little later) and we head that direction. As we approach the place, though, the incredible number of cars reminds me: oh, they have that Wednesday Night Burger Special. "Can't beat that, right?" he says. Well, I don't eat burgers, so it doesn't do anything for me. "You don't eat BURGERS?" he asks in a tone of disbelief. Well, I'm a vegetarian, remember? (We had discussed that before.) So, I eat veggie burgers, but that's not what's on special. "What's a veggie burger?"

Okay...this is 2009, right? How the hell can he never have heard of a veggie burger? I mean, I'm not expecting him to be conversant on the pros and cons of different brands or anything...but the concept itself is not that radical, is it? I explain that a veggie burger features a patty made of vegetable protein, and he says, over and over, somewhat disdainfully, "whatever, I guess, whatever."

Did I neglect to mention that, in person, he's really, really prone to some very annoying verbal tics?

Anyway, the restaurant is entirely too crowded, so I suggest we go to another restaurant a few blocks away, which I'm sure won't be too busy on a weeknight. We go there, it isn't, we sit down. The waiter comes up, asks if he can get us something to drink, iced tea or maybe a beer?

"I'll have a Bud," he says. This is where you're supposed to remember the part about the great beer menu at the first restaurant. Why the hell would it matter if all you're going to do is order a Bud? I ask the waiter, beer snob that I am, what do you have that's better? You'd have thought I kicked a puppy. "Better than BUD?!" (This from the casserole, not the waiter.) "It's the BEST." Oh, dear lord. I order a Newcastle. The drinks come, I take a sip, and say, in my best passive-aggressive manner (heh), now that's some good beer. "Why don't you like Bud?" Because it's a watered-down, tasteless swill full of chemicals. He is aghast: "Who told you that?" I told myself that, dude, after drinking plenty of it in my young, stupid days. It has no real taste and hurts my stomach. "Whatever, I guess, whatever."

We continue looking at the menu...speaking of verbal tics: every time his eyes move from one item to the next, he says in a monotone, "uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh." Dear lord, choose something soon.

We order, I do indeed order a veggie burger, and once it arrives he has to start in with the "that looks pretty good...if only it had some meat on it" jokes. 'Cause, in 14 years of vegetarianism, I've never heard THAT one before. Finally, I smile and suggest politely that if he won't mock my food choices, I won't mock his. He shuts up.

Anyway, we eat...I manage to steer the conversation onto topics we can agree on--the importance of music and environmentalism--and things are okay. He grabs the check, I don't even pretend to argue, and he takes me home. An awkward handshake and a "nice to meet you in person and thanks for dinner" and...we're done.

And the moral of the story? Don't EVER think you really know someone from conversing with them online, I guess. Online, they may be relatively charming, while in person, they might be a socially awkward dork (and not in a good way) with no ass and with enough verbal tics to...to...I don't know...to ANNOY you. (In cyberspace, nobody hears you tic. Hee.)

On the plus side...he didn't have stubby hands. Hee. I don't know if we can go back to being online pen pals now, though, sadly...I just can't get the constant "whatever, I guess, whatever" refrain out of my head.

14 comments:

Stinkypaw said...

Are you actually telling me that in person you are a dweeb, with no ass, and no wicked sense of humour whatsoever? Oh my, and to think I was hoping to meet you one day...

Sorry it really didn't work, and maybe lost a pen pal... oh well, not a big loss from your description, anyway.

lizgwiz said...

stinky, oh I am EXACTLY as charming and funny as you think. Hee. Blog friends DO get to know each other. :)

greenduckiesgirl said...

I want to hit him and I don't even know you that well to want to defend you so much.

I don't get mocking food choices. Well, unless you eat tomatoes. I think they are evil. What difference does it make if you eat veggie burgers? As long as it is good? Sigh.

The tics would drive me insane. Plus, I don't like beer at all and even I know that pretty much every thing is better than Bud.

Oh, loved the cat picture. I kind of want to know how many cats you have since I'm trying to convince my roommmate 40 cats wouldn't be too many (this is for when we win the Powerball and convert an entire apartment building into a house. The cats would have their own floor. And have maids, preferably live in ones).

Miss Pants said...

"Better than Bud? IT'S THE BEST!"

I bet he's also an avid sweet and sour supporter. BOO.

Stefanie said...

So far, every blog friend I've met in person has been exactly and smart and hilarious and charming as they were online. Sadly, I can NOT say the same of dates. Shouldn't it equate? Clearly no.

3carnations said...

I have a coworker who is kind of a food snob. But beer? His true beer love is Budweiser. It doesn't make sense.

Sorry he was a dud, even as a "friend date".

Noelle said...

Never heard of a veggie burger? I'm surprised he didn't ask if he could take you back to the rock he lives under.

And I have a confession. I kind of like Budweiser, because they totally sold me when I took their factory tour. But I would NEVER admit that outside of the comments section. When I go out to eat, it's "micro brew-ho!"

lizgwiz said...

green, if you have a whole FLOOR and a maid, then I think having 40 cats is entire reasonable! (For the record, though...I have nowhere near 40. Thank goodness--since I also don't have a maid. Hee.)

pants, oh, you KNOW it. ;)

stef, maybe we need to start reading the guys' blogs. Clearly, that's the best way to judge a person. Heh.

3car, yeah, that is weird. I just don't think Bud has much taste at all--it's like the iceberg lettuce of the beer world. ;)

noelle, I know. Dude, WHERE have you been? ;)

flurrious said...

He sounds horrible all the way around, but the, "Who told you that?" makes me mental. If a person wants to disagree, then disagree, but that's just rude and condescending. My standard response is, "No one told me that. I'm telling you that."

"What's a veggie burger?" makes me laugh though. You should have ordered tempeh. He probably would have gone up in flames.

lizgwiz said...

flurrious, we did have a bit of a conversation about alternate protein sources. He dated a girl once who "ate this stuff...what was it called...began with a 't'...what was it..." "Tempeh, tofu?" "Tofu! That's it. Weird-looking stuff." "I love tofu." "Whatever, I guess, whatever."

Veronica said...

I am sorry this encounter did not go better for you. You are delightful! Maybe someday he will find someone who loves Bud and picking her teeth in public after a meal and all will be right.
And the part about not seeing all the kitties? What does that mean? That all animal owners are supposed to live in filth and such? Geesh!

nancypearlwannabe said...

"What do you have that's better?"

THAT is why we love you, Liz.

Sauntering Soul said...

Oh, this date sounds absolutely horrid from beginning to end. But it made for some great blog material!

Was he wearing overalls? He sounds like he might be a guy who wears overalls.

lizgwiz said...

vee, I think he expected my house to be smelly, like his mother and his sister, who have pets. But it turns out his mother has an old dog who pees inside and his sister doesn't like cleaning the litter box. Yep--that'll make a smell.

npw, I am quite proudly a beer snob. ;)

ss, he was not wearing overalls, though maybe if he had been they would have disguised his complete lack of ass better than his jeans did. (As an aside note, New Guy LOVED overalls, but on him they were cute, 'cause they seemed so out of character. Especially the striped ones. Plus he had a great ass. I don't know why I'm speaking of him in the past tense--he just moved away and broke my heart, he didn't die. Hee.)