Thursday, December 14, 2006

All spam, all the time.

I've been shamefully neglectful of my spammers lately. And they've been doing such good work! So here are some of my favorites.

"Kris Montoya" says: "Sitting already hurt; the pain would be monstrous by the time she got back, even if she hurried."

Yowza, I don't think I even want to know what happened to cause such pain while sitting.

From "Hovsep Shakespeare" (obviously a descendant of the bard): "Hagrid proceeded to explain that the reason the skrewts had been killing one another was an excess of pent-up energy, and that the solution would be for each student to fix a leash on a skrewt"

Thank god for Hagrid. No good can EVER come from an excess of pent-up skrewt energy, in my experience!

"Bessie Arthur" (which I'm going to go ahead and assume is a non de plume for Bea Arthur) pens this little masterpiece: "Then she came down again, more slowly, dragging something that sounded soft and heavy. The wheelchair thumped against the right side of the doorway and bounced back a little. Her hands snapped open, hooked shut into solid rocklike fists, then snapped open again. For an instant he could feel the thump of her pulse, and his face twisted in revulsion."

Something soft and heavy.....the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man, perhaps?

"Harland Beasley" notes: "He saw drying drips and splashes - again, mostly of ice-cream - on the rug and couch."

It's the "again" that gets me. Someone spilled the ice cream AGAIN? How often does this happen?

"In desperation he pushed back the blankets with his hands for the first time, hoping against hope that it wasnt as bad as the shapes the blankets made seemed to suggest it was. There, within plain sight, was salvation: all he had to do was break the window and the dog-lock the bitch had put on his tongue and scream Help me, help me, save me from Annie! Beside it was a ceramic ashtray with a paddlewheel excursion boat printed on the bottom encircled by the words, SOUVENIR OF HANNIBAL, MISSOURI - HOME OF AMERICAS STORY TELLER! There was an old strip of towelling hung from a hook in the entryway, and after hanging up his dripping coat and removing his boots, he used it to towel his dark-blonde hair dry"

Damn you, "Debra Bland!" Don't leave me hanging! WHAT WAS UNDER THE BLANKETS?

"In order to benefit from this lucrative opportunity you need to get in now, before the big news release. There's still time, but not much. The news could be out as early as Tuesday, November 13th. THIS is the one you've been waiting for! Do yourself a favor and make that big score!"

Ah, hell! It's already December. Thanks for nothing, "Vivian Villalobos!"

None of this poetry nonsense for "Bandhani Fernando." Nope, ol' Bandhani is pure prose:

"You Love Big tits? But Girls love big thing! If you don't have one - GET ONE! Not only a larger prick will make you feel better, it will make you look better!"

Yeah, I know that's the first thing I look at when I meet a guy. Skip the "nice to meet you"--it's eyes straight to the groin! Though, you know, if a girl is truly that desperate for a "big thing" I believe she can pick one of those up at her local adult "bookstore" in a variety of colors and sizes. And hey, wait...might this have a connection to the "painful sitting" from earlier? Hee!


chickabirdie said...

Bwah! Love it. I don't get any interesting smam mail anymore - this almost made me miss it!

metalia said...

Oh lord, I have the same problem. Hey...speaking of lord, have you been getting biblical spam lately? It's like their new thing or something. I've been getting a singinficant number of 'em; there's a lot of smoting, and sayeth, and Rehoboam the Tabernacle, whatever that may be. Oh, ox offerings and cubits also figure prominently therein. ;)

lizgwiz said...

chick: I figure if I can't stop it from coming, I might as well enjoy. Spam lemonade from spam lemons, as it were.

metalia: I HAVE noticed that. I've gotten a couple from "John" and "Paul," but so far the text hasn't been too elaborate. Maybe they'll get better.

guinness girl said...

I wonder if the Hagrid one is an excerpt from a Harry Potter book! In fact, I'm now convinced most of them are excerpts from novels. Except mayb e the last couple. ;)


lizgwiz said...

GG: I'd had that thought, too--that the spammers are generously helping themselves to other people's work. Dirty spammers!

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